“Politics has nothing to do with this!”

I am currently using a few online dating apps. To spare myself or potential suitors any wasted time, I typically mention that politics are very important to me and that I am a firm progressive or more bluntly, that people who support President Trump and his policies need not apply. These statements are not meant to start a debate or provoke a reaction or even make some huffy statement, truly. If anyone in whom I was interested thought liberalism was a disease or that brown-skinned Congresswomen should go back to where they came from, I would appreciate knowing that as soon as possible as well. The decision to add this political disclaimer has proven to produce…interesting results.

First of all, many people obviously don’t read dating profiles, so I often will reiterate this disclaimer only to find out we’re not on the same page or that the disclaimer offends them during personal conversations, and then it’s awkward but fine. On the other hand, there are people out there for whom these statements are an ice breaker. I have gotten a nice amount of messages agreeing with my position or applauding my boldness for making the disclaimer, and I am doing just fine focusing on those types of men. But the most fascinating piece is the indignant or even hostile reactions this has provoked from some Trump supporters themselves.

Now, I have seen several “I hate liberals and if you don’t like it you can suck my gun” or other similar political disclaimers, and I might widen my eyes a bit but I move on. Not once I have been compelled to pick a fight via a private message. And I certainly have no interest in persuading these individuals to give me a chance or in arguing with them about why they’re wrong to make their political preference a priority. This is dating and romance not a public service, and no one has any obligation, legally or morally, to be an equal opportunity dater. Politics aren’t important to everyone but they’re important to me, so that’s pretty pertinent info for a potential suitor to know in my opinion.

I have gotten a few TRUMP 2020 MAGA!! messages, that prompted nothing more than an emphatic eye roll. I had one person who was almost a bit wounded by the disclaimer and said that he doesn’t let something like politics impact “how he feels about someone.” I replied that if someone’s chosen political ideology goes against my entire belief system, my concept of morality, and everything I have spent my life fighting for then yeah, it impacts how I feel about them in regards to a potential romantic relationship. (He conceded that did make sense, to be fair. And while more conservative isn’t a Trump supporter himself, which isn’t a category I consider off limits.)

There was one fella who said, “Politics has nothing to do with this!” So with an admittedly snarky tone I said that for better or worse, dating as we know it wouldn’t exist without the political movements that gave women more agency outside of marriage, and that unless he was a virgin and planning to stay that way, he should look into why birth control is still considered a controversial issue or luxury item, and get back to me on whether or not politics have anything to do with dating. 

Not all of these exchanges have been as benign, however.  I got one message that asked what I had against Trump and his supporters.  I replied that I just don’t find that ideology attractive.  He responded that I was a dumb bitch who should move to California.  Lovely.

There was a person with whom I chatted, that messaged me but didn’t mention my disclaimer, and I assumed he had read it and then decided it was workable. While chatting, I was starting to feel he hadn’t read my profile so I brought up the issue. Simply asking if he supported Trump and his policies led to him sending a dozen or so messages in rapid succession, saying things like he’s not as closed minded as me because he doesn’t consider just one criteria when dating and that I must be a feminist who uses men. Wait, does he get a point for being half right on that last piece?

I said I wasn’t interested in debating it, that there are plenty of conservative gals out there and wished him luck. He responded by calling me a coward who hates the military. I should have asked about his thoughts on Trump avoiding military service and then attacking Generals and other veterans who did serve, and what that made him?

On one app, I didn’t put the disclaimer. A man messaged me who had his full name on his profile, so after a brief initial exchange, I checked out his Facebook page. There were several political posts that were a huge deal breaker for me. Not gray area stuff, but viewpoints that are fundamentally and diametrically opposed to my deepest held beliefs and values. So I messaged him and simply said that I had checked out his Facebook page, that our politics were critically at odds and because that’s an important factor to me, I would hate to waste his time by continuing to chat. That’s it. I never mentioned Trump, never accused this person of anything. I never suggested he was bad or wrong, just that I didn’t think we’d be compatible. But I bet you can guess where this is headed.

He launched into a tirade about the “tolerant left” and how isn’t it funny how the people who “whine about tolerance” the most are the ones who are the real bigots. How it’s “just like a liberal” to try to unfairly lump all people of a group together. He then softened and tried to negotiate, flattering me and saying he posts stuff on Facebook just to get a reaction, and it doesn’t mean he believes all of it, and we probably agree on a lot of things.

I held firm, and when he realized there was no saving the interaction, he hardened again and said that liberals say everyone is a racist, but he was the real victim of “textbook” discrimination perpetrated by me. Because I chose to not engage romantically with him based on his support of an ideology with which I vehemently disagree? Not because I suggested he be kicked out of the state, or that he didn’t deserve rights or access to services, or that he was less deserving of humanity, but because I was not willing to entertain him as a potential romantic partner.

Honestly, I was about to walk away before that discrimination piece, but that really pissed me off. So I posed a rhetorical question based on some of his Facebook posts. I asked about his views on issues like denying services to LGBTQ folks, lumping all immigrants together as a dangerous group of rapists and criminals, and saying that feminism has been a movement motivated entirely by killing as many babies as possible.  Then I said that my decision to exclude certain ideologies from my dating pool is completely my decision, I am the only one who gets to make those decisions, and that no one is entitled to my time or attention, especially not in a romantic sense.  I added that this is the free market at work, and him suggesting that he deserves a shot simply by existing sounded pretty damn socialist to me. I blocked him before he could respond, but that zinger felt pretty good, I’m not gonna lie. 

Through all of these online interactions, I have never once said on my profile or in messages that all Trump supporters are X, or that I think they should be excluded from society, or even that they are undeserving of dating or love. I’ve simply said that I won’t be the one to give it to them.

The mere suggestion that people who have made the choice to support a political ideology with which I viscerally disagree may not be able to date me is on the same level as racism?  I have seen disclaimers of all kinds on dating profiles.  No smokers, no drug users, must love the outdoors, must love children, must love to travel, must love motorcycles, must be physically fit, must be Christian, must not be religious at all, the list goes on and on.  I don’t have those disclaimers so I can’t say this for sure, but do you think the no smokers people get a hostile messages from smokers, antagonizing them about how intolerant they are?  Do you think the must love the outdoor folks are accused of discriminating against people with allergies?

I am certain I have been rejected for this disclaimer or for any number of reasons that I might never even know about. Maybe someone hates freckles, or thinks I look goofy, or finds my written peppiness annoying, or I remind them of an ex. Whatever! People are allowed preferences. Because this isn’t housing or employment, potential dates are not the government, and no one owes me a goddamn thing as far as romance goes.

I never intended to write a piece about this. If it was just a one-time thing, I never would have. But it’s happening more frequently, and the interactions are becoming more unsettling. Additionally, all of the examples above tie into a broader sense of entitlement that society has groomed people of all genders to have in regards to romance and love. I will fight until I’m blue in the face for every human being to have access to the necessities and benefits of civilized society. But I won’t give one second of consideration to the argument that anyone but that individual and that individual alone gets to decide who gets access to their love or their desire.

To anyone else who is dating right now, I know it’s a jungle out there. My preferences and disclaimers are likely not the same as yours.  But every person has a unique set of qualities that either attract them or repel them.  So even if you’re putting a “no mouthy redheads prone to political rants” disclaimer on your profile, I wholly support your right to do that.  In fact, I’d prefer it!

My experience has revolved around political ideology as a sticking point, but maybe yours is smoking, or wanting children, or a love of renaissance fairs.  Whatever it is, I encourage you to make a commitment to not let anyone else define your boundaries in this area but you. We can be open minded and be open to evolving on our viewpoints and disclaimers, and still make sure that every election for the Office of Potential Romantic Encounter is decided by tallying just one vote.  Ours.