A rage-filled essay on the space and power afforded to men who misbehave.

I have been really struggling recently as to why there has been such confusion about the concept of not touching people who don’t want to be touched. And how if you’re in doubt about whether or not they want to be touched, you should just not touch them. Most puzzling of all, is how people who habitually touch those who don’t want to be touched, continue be elevated to the highest echelons of our society, with an endless amount of space made for them to succeed in spite of their misdeeds.

Somehow, this is still considered a debate without a conclusion. Somehow, we as a group of people basically just keep tsking our tongues, raising our faces to the sky, and asking the universe why there’s nothing that can be done to change this phenomenon.

Take the recent Joe Biden situation, for example. There has been much hand-wringing about exactly how much non-consensual hair sniffing and intimate shoulder rubbing is TOO MUCH for a professional setting or Presidential candidate in 2019. And really, how big of a deal is some unwanted hair sniffing and shoulder rubbing, anyway? Lighten up!

I mean, how could Joe Biden possibly have known that kind of behavior was not super hip with the social times in 2019? If only he had an entire staff of experts with access to polling, was a lifelong politician, and declared the safest, most solid choice to win back our nation from a mad man. Come on, it’s not like the subject of consent has been in the public discourse much over the last few years or anything. It’s practically a spoiler alert! Poor Joe.

And of course we can’t forget Bill Clinton and his disgusting predation, and how he is still arrogantly gallivanting around in polite society, as if credible rape accusations don’t count if they’re from prior to the year 2000, you know, when feminism started.

Dennis Hastert, who was a central driving force in Clinton’s impeachment, was later exposed for and admitted to sexually abusing teen aged boys.  

There was also Lyndon Johnson, whom it is well documented, frequently liked to take out his penis and show it off to anyone who happened to be around.

And Jim Jordan, who oversaw the massive cover up of sexual abuse at Ohio State, now gets to sit on the Congressional House Oversight Committee and angrily question the integrity of others.

More recently in the news is Jeffrey Epstein, who hosted “parties” for rich and famous men in which underage girls were sexually exploited, abused, and trafficked. Although there were dozens of reported victims he pleaded guilty to a single state charge related to the crimes, due in no small part to intervention from other powerful men, and was allowed to serve 13 of his 18 months sentence in a private wing of the jail with his own private security. When he was released he spent a year on probation, but was allowed to take his own private jet to go to New York and even the Virgin Islands, you know, just like most sex offenders or other criminals in our system. And not for nothing, Epstein has a pretty chummy past with both Donald Trump and Bill Clinton. Trump is quoted as saying he and Epstein both love “beautiful women,” and Epstein in particular likes them “on the younger side.”

*Screams internally forever*

This list is just a whisper, just a start. And with each added name, there is a demand for more space.

Here in North Dakota, there is no shortage of politicians and public figures who tend to have a soft and gentle space for men who have sexually victimized people in their pasts. When asked about the sexual assault allegations against Brent Kavanaugh in 2018, now Senator Kevin Cramer said that EVEN IF Kavanaugh had attempted to rape a young women in the 1980s, was it really something that should impact his career? Shouldn’t we have more space for poor, young chaps who were unlucky enough to make such predatory choices without knowing they’d one day like to be on the Supreme Court?

“Even if it’s all true, does it disqualify him? It certainly means that he did something really bad 36 years ago, but does it disqualify him from the Supreme Court?” He later dismissed the aforementioned assault as “supposedly an attempt or something that never went anywhere.” Interesting perspective, especially given how I’m not so sure the Senator holds that belief consistently when it comes to all crimes, and more specifically when it comes to all criminals, in our society.

Will Gardner, who ran for Secretary of State in 2018 with a surge of support from the NDGOP, was discovered after receiving the NDGOP nomination to have been convicted in 2006 of lurking around the windows of college-aged women with his pants unzipped, all while he was a doe-eyed, married father of two and employed by the same University he was peeping around.  When the 2006 conviction was revealed, the dominant narrative by Senator Cramer and other NDGOP officials and some media mouthpieces, became how Gardner was now such an upstanding, church going family man that it was downright cruel and vindictive to deny him a second chance by suggesting maybe he shouldn’t run for state wide office.  Because avoiding a sex offender label and being forgiven by his wife and family were more like chances 1.3 and 1.7, not so much a fully formed second chance. 

The rot goes to the top…

No discussion on this topic would be complete without mentioning the current occupant of 1600 Pennsylvania Ave. All of these other men can have their own bad behaviors, but none of that excuses the misdeeds of Donald Trump. Additionally, he is our President now, not any of them. He is holding the most powerful space in our country as I write this.

This man who currently has 22 public accusations of sexual misconduct against him, who has bragged about grabbing women’s genitals without their consent, who is well known for the disgusting way in which he talks about women, who has even made countless statements objectifying his own daughter. This man’s defense against the most recent accusation?

“She’s not my type.”

SHE’S NOT MY TYPE

“She’s not my type,” said the President of the United States of America in 2019, about the 22nd woman who has publicly accused him of sexual misconduct.

What a time to be alive.

I’m pretty sure I’m not the President’s type either, because I’m the type of kooky gal who thinks the Office of the President should be treated with a modicum of dignity, and that we should stop acting like being a lecherous, abusive creep is some sort of foundational REQUIREMENT for the office, and start demanding that it is a DIS-QUALIFIER.

It’s not just about offenders, either.

We mustn’t forget the role the media and folks like North Dakota blogger Rob Port play in perpetuating a hostile environment for survivors of sexual assault. Port throws his shoulder out patting himself on the back for such risky and brave positions like “marital rape is still rape,” and is the premier expert on Monday morning quarterbacking the difficult personal choices of others. He has some strong opinions on how sexual assault survivors should navigate their space in these scenarios.

In a fascinating piece from 2014 that is still available on his website, Port posits that victims of sexual assault who don’t report are “doing it wrong,” and are in no small way responsible for our society’s struggle to deal with sexual assault effectively. The entire piece is an arrogant finger wagging at the failures of these victims to stop their own rapists from hurting others. I mean, we all know what a ticker tape parade it is to speak up as a survivor of sexual assault in our society and how swiftly and thoroughly justice is handed down in these cases, so what’s the deal with all these lazy, cowardly rape victims, amirite?

Choice quotes include the general, “…this is shameful. Because there is a wrong way to be a rape victim. You’re doing it wrong when you get raped and then refuse to report it to the authorities.”

Then more specifically in reference to Bill Cosby’s victims, Port quips “if what they’re telling us about Cosby is true, they (the victims) allowed him to continue victimizing one woman after another for a generation. By delaying their reports they put Cosby, law enforcement, and the public in a position of trying to figure out what felonious activities may or may not have happened decades in the past. That’s just plain irresponsible, and it’s not ‘victim shaming’ to feel that the alleged victims of these crimes should be ashamed of their delay in reporting.” 

But rest assured, Mr. Port shared that he also firmly wagged his finger at his own daughter to make sure she knows that if she is sexually assaulted, she better report promptly to the system that will almost certainly humiliate and fail her no matter what, if she knows what’s good for her. Nothing says, “It’s safe to report,” quite like, “You better report or else.”

Because if enough victims just report, things will simply work themselves out. Why didn’t we think of this before? Somebody get this man a medal for his dedication to justice! PS. I’ll give you three guesses as to Mr. Port’s views on the existence of rape culture, and also his commitment to irony.

Yes, I am angry.

Yes, I am enraged.

Every woman I know is rightfully ENRAGED.

Why?

• Because the facts and thoughts expressed in this essay may very well be considered controversial. And if so, there will likely be an expectation that I, or another angry woman, should have to engage in a never ending, exhaustive debate and refute anyone who disagrees, point by point, otherwise we’re “avoiding tough questions.”

• Because many women have spent a life time apologizing for taking up space in society, often to men who demand and take societal space as a birthright or entitlement.

• Because it’s not just the Presidency or just the
  government where this is happening, it is in entertainment, and in business,
  and in EVERY. SINGLE. INDUSTRY. It’s in our churches, in our homes and in our
  communities, and it has been going on and covered up since the beginning of
  time.

• Because the handsy husbands I’ve encountered who like to get a little too drunk and say and do inappropriate things to me, rarely get outed because in our world even an unwilling female recipient of such advances is all too frequently labeled a home wrecker. Or at the very least, they are treated poorly for bringing such embarrassing behavior to the attention of others.

• Because for a very long time, women have been
  seen first as unreliable narrators until they PROVE otherwise, whereas men are
  often seen as reliable by DEFAULT, until they demonstrate massive incompetence
  or malice, and sometimes, not even then. In that same vein, we continue
  to focus on women’s PASTS and men’s FUTURES when discussing and evaluating
  these types of cases. 

• Because 97% of rapists never see a day in jail, and while we are finally starting to realize that many of the women in our lives have been assaulted, we have yet to admit that means more men in our lives may be abusers than we’d like to think.

• Because in 2019, He Said/She Said is still the #1 reaction to a woman reporting she’s been assaulted, which most often translates to, “Well, guess we just have to go with He Said then. Too bad we can’t possibly investigate or do anything. Case closed!”

*Shrug emoji*

*Nothing can be done*

*End scene*

NO.

I do not accept that. I have no more space for that.

Call it #MeToo, call it #TimesUp, or call it me just not giving a F**K anymore about making that space for people who choose to hurt and exploit others in the most intimate of ways.

How much talented leadership have we missed out on over the years, because all that space we have made and held for these violators, meant no space for the people they’d harmed, or no space for other leaders who don’t have a problem keeping their hands to themselves? How many young people were rising stars in politics or business, but were forced to quit to avoid or cover for harassment?

How can we possibly expect our courts and communities to say ENOUGH about these abuses when we continue to elevate abusers to power and fame? What message does all of this send to victims? Are we really okay with telling victims that they better report or else any further assaults are their fault, but if they DO report they’ll be met with millions of voices making excuses for the person who hurt them? And those same voices will lament the potential loss to society if we start sending these young, promising men to jail for such little things like rape, so they best be prepared to be re-traumatized by the seething, skeptical mob forever and hope they’ve led a pristine life until this point.

We can honor due process and still find a way to make the world safer for women and others who have been abused, and better hold abusers accountable.

Nothing will change until we change it.

Pay attention to how these incidents and cases are handled by the system and society at large. 

Pay attention to fact that the rape kit backlog in this country is estimated to be over 200,000 kits waiting to be tested, all from survivors who did it the “right way” and reported.

Pay attention to the behavior of those around you, speak up when people minimize sexual assault and harassment or treat it like it’s a joke.

Pay attention to the bills and legislation related to sexual assault and how these issues are often shockingly and flippantly discussed by our elected leaders.

Pay attention to the snide statements that media and other personalities let slip when discussing those who accuse someone from their “team” of such misdeeds. 

Pay attention how easily sexual harassment and abuse is excused, and how poorly we treat those that come forward about it, especially when the person coming forward isn’t a “perfect victim.”

Pay attention to our society’s unshakable instinct to shrug and say that nothing can be done about it, to say we must keep making space for these abusers.

Pay attention.

Stand up.

Stay angry.